To Express or Not to Express?

A classmate of mine posted an article on what motivates different behaviors and how to interpret that. After I wrote the reply I was pleased with how it turned out so I thought I'd put in on here for some "food for thought".

“In spiritual issues, the currency or medium of exchange is different, but the principle is the same. Love, friendship, respect, admiration are the emotional response of one person to the virtues of another, the spiritual payment given in exchange for the personal, selfish pleasure which one person derives from the virtues of another person’s character.”

(Denise): Interesting quote. Brings to light an interesting conversation I recently had with a colleague. I completely and totally agree with this paragraph. Admiring another human being for some special quality they happen to possess is NEVER a bad thing. I’m of the opinion that’s a huge part of what is wrong with the planet right now; not enough people are willing to acknowledge admiration in ANY form to the person the adoration is directed at. It’s been my experience that people are pretty good at telling OTHER people what they like about a certain human but it’s odd how rarely that compliment actually reaches the person it was directed at. I’ve put much thought into this concept, and I think it’s because society has unwittingly made admiration and heartfelt emotion to be signs of “weakness”. People are so worried about, “What if he thinks this? What if she thinks I meant that? What if they take it the wrong way?” Everybody is SO focused on the “what if” that people are becoming too afraid to actually EVER express anything positive to anybody. It IS considered strength however to lash out, stand outside the circle, “put people in their place” and “remain professional”. The person who can maintain that personality is the person rewarded by society for “strength”. What load of crap is THAT?

Another quote from the article: “…try to imagine an immortal, indestructible robot, an entity which moves and acts, but which cannot be affected by anything..cannot be damaged, injured or destroyed. Such an entity would not be able to have any values; it would have nothing to gain or to lose; it could not regard anything as for or against it. It could have no interests and no goals.”

(Denise): This life form is being presented in the article as a detriment, YET THIS is the persona that is more and more being rewarded in “the corporate world”. The person who “cannot be damaged, injured or destroyed” is the ideal leader in business. In a sense they have to be because there are so many other “robots” trying to knock them out of their chair that only the strongest robot can maintain the seat.

And another quote: “To love is to value. Only a rationally selfish person, a person of self-esteem, is capable of love—because they are the only people capable of holding firm, consistent, uncompromising, un-betrayed values. The people who does not value themselves, cannot value anything or anyone. It is only on the basis of rational selfishness—on the basis of justice—that people can be fit to live together in a free, peaceful, prosperous, benevolent, rational society.”

(Denise): And maybe this is the answer to why people are so afraid to express admiration: They’ve lost the ability to value themselves; they figure they aren’t worthy therefore they have nothing good to offer. Expressing any sort of admiration or adoration would be viewed as a weakness and a character flaw rather than what it was intended to be, a gift to the person it was given to. And in the world today so many people are so trapped in their own tunnel vision that they are less and less likely to notice anybody around them. I can see how a lot of people could fall thru the cracks and start to feel they have no worth whatsoever. I see example after example on Criminal Minds every week. Yes, EXTREME examples, but half the time when they are profiling who they think the criminal is the “feels they aren’t worthy and feel they are invisible” comes up a LOT.

So, go ahead and roll your eyes, but here comes the Bono reference again. A huge reason I believe that band is so popular after 25 years? They sold out every arena they booked shows in for this tour, which was 70 or more dates, and they sold out in MINUTES. And not just in “some cities” but EVERYWHERE. Who else can do that? Nobody. So, why? It’s not so much about music or “that guy’s hot”, but it’s about a “feeling”. I personally am not affiliated with any church, same as Bono I’ve never found one I felt “fit”. BUT when I’m at those shows (I went to 5 on this tour in 3 different cities) it’s about how it makes me feel. For those 2 hours it’s okay to “feel”, and I’m surrounded by other people who know exactly what I mean. Bono can stand there during Pride In The Name of Love and act like he’s throwing handfuls of love that he’s taking from his heart while yelling “LOVE!” every time he does it. THAT is SO cheesy…But when you’re there? You’ll do it right back at him as does everybody around you. For 2 hours you’re allowed to feel and you’re in a crowd of people who feel the same. They have a song called “40” that is the words from Psalm 40 (more or less) that they put to music. The chorus is mostly “How long to sing this song?” At the end of the show the band leaves the stage one by one while the crowd continues to sing the chorus. At one of the shows in Denver EVERYBODY around me was STILL singing those words in the hall, down the escalator and into the parking lot, EVERYBODY. That doesn’t happen anywhere but at a U2 show. Then we all get in our separate cars, go home and lose that feeling by the next morning. I guess what’s important is that it was ever there at all.

So, is Bono weak because he expresses love openly? Is Bono weak because he compliments others? Is Bono weak because he hasn’t affiliated himself with a “team” or “group” of people? LOL! He’s a rock star who’s twice been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize and he was invited to be the President of the World Bank (he turned it down). Somebody in an interview asked him if he were a citizen would he like to be president of the U.S. He said, “No. I don’t want to move into a smaller house…” (The White House IS smaller than his house). All that and he’s doing a pretty good job of motivating the world to help out a continent that has mostly been ignored. His major plea to people? Coexist. Just that simple, yet so seemingly difficult.

To wind this up since it’s so long I’ll say this: No, I’m not implying we all need to be flower children and walk around telling each other, “I love YOU man!” BUT, ponder this: When was the last time you noticed something a co-worker or a colleague did that you felt was something admirable and then actually took the time to tell THEM that? Maybe you’re good at it…I know I’m sure not. I have to consciously remind myself from time to time to take the time to acknowledge. Yes, I run the risk of that person thinking, “Duh…kiss butt”, or “She said something nice, she must WANT me…fat chance” or “What is it she’s trying to get from me?” Something along those lines…Every time I say something kind to somebody I don’t know very well I am risking misinterpretation, as are all of us. But you know what? So what? If I “selfishly made myself feel good by acknowledging the good work or virtues of another” then where is the harm in that? I’m going to choose to follow the example of Bono, rather than “The Donald”. That’s my personal choice of the person I believe I’d like to be.

Once not so long ago I was told by a colleague that everything I say oozes of emotion and that quality is going to be detrimental to my business career. This colleague indicated discomfort with my “style” and requested “professionalism”. Okay, I’m not for everybody, I get that, however initially this nonetheless smashed my feelings. Was I just told that who I am is not acceptable, therefore it would preferential if I projected myself as somebody other than who I am? I think that’s what I was told. And, in the name of “live and let live” I realized I can be who that person needs me to be in order for us to continue to work together…that’s fine. Rather than crawl into a hole telling myself, “Well, I’m not important enough to rate past the co-worker level” I decided to remind myself it’s not my loss, it’s their’s. I can respect their wishes but to their detriment they are never going to “have the pleasure” of getting to know me. I think that’s what we all need to tell ourselves when we’re set back like that; sadly, it’s their loss, because we ALL have something to offer if people just take the time to know us.

One of my favorite movies is Primary Colors. At one point pretty early on Henry and the Governor’s wife are having tea in the kitchen late at night. Henry takes a drink without testing it and burns his mouth. The Gov’s wife tells him, “Haven’t you learned to never drink tea without testing it?”

Henry says, “I guess that’s what experience teaches people; how not to get burned”.

She replies, “Not the best people”.

Amen.