I had a dog named Beau for the better part of 11 years, and he recently died from osteosarcoma in his hind leg. Well, enough time has passed, and I have the new puppy whom I'm actually convinced IS Beau since he was born 4 days after Beau died (but we won't get into that right now) :-) Anyway, Beau was a very good dog with a couple of flaws:
1. He viewed small children as "tasty". Had to watch him pretty closely to make sure he didn't pinch anybody.
2. Beau got too excited in the game during fetch and if a man happened to be throwing Beau would nip him in the ass and then take off after the stick. He was so fast at it that a lot of his victims had to really think about whether they had REALLY just been bitten or not. He never did it to women, just men, and he never tore the meat off anybody, just gave them a little hicky on their butt cheek. Pretty damned funny actually!
3. Beau loved to snack...and since he was smart he was quick at it and did some really great creative snacking. He had some good ones, so I decided to do a Top 10 list of his all time best weases:
Starting at #10. My ex took Beau with him fishing the day before we were going on our vacation to Reno. Martin called me at work in a panic because Beau had found a dead salmon on the beach and had a snack. Problem with that is that he had a piece of fishing line hanging out of his mouth and Martin had no way of knowing what was on the other end. I told him not to pull it for God's sake, and get him in to my work so we could x-ray. He got him there, we x-rayed and it turned out it just had a barrel swivel on the end of the line and no hook. He swallowed the rest of the line and then passed the whole thing...Gave us all a heart attack though.
#9. Lean Treats. It's a dog snack that looks like little pieces of beef in a foil package...very tasty. Well, I don't think I ever actually dolled them out to the dogs, I'm pretty sure every bag that was ever in my possession Beau found, tore apart and ate the contents. We are talking greater than 20 bags. About a week before I had to put him to sleep he found a way to use his weak hind leg and STILL stand up and get the snacks off the dining room table and eat them all. Call it Beau's Last Hurrah!
#8. I love those frosted pink and white Grandma's circus animal cookies. They used to have the giant twin pack at Costco, and I'd bought one. I'd just opened the first bag in the twin pack and then I got a phone call and left the room. 5 minutes later when I came back in the room, nothing but an empty bag, and Beau laying on the end of the couch looking at me like, "What?". Asshole.
#7. The other pack in the twin pack of the Grandmas's circus animal cookies (in the same day). I got that one out and had about 2 cookies, later had to go the bathroom. I come back in, empty bag, Beau looks at me like, "What?" I didn't think he'd do it twice because they were big bags and I figured the first one filled him up. I was wrong.
#6. Entire bottle of Pet Vites (and a little of the bottle as well). He chewed the bottle apart and ate a whole bottle of chewable pet vites. Okay, he probably would have been okay and they would have maybe given him the squirts if I'd just left things as they were. Unfortunately this wasn't very long after the circus cookie thing, I was still pissed about THAT so I swilled him with a good part of a bottle of Hydrogen peroxide. Great emetic for dogs. You are only supposed to give them a couple of tablespoons at a time, but after I thought it out I realized the reaction to overdose would be vomiting, which was my goal anyway. I tipped his nose up and glug, glug, glugged most of the bottle down his throat and held his mouth shut. About 10 minutes later Beau puked, and puked, and puked. In between puking he'd look at me like, "Oh Mama...what did you give me?" and then he'd go at it some more...I'll have to admit I was a non-sympathetic audience and may have even giggled a little bit.
#5. My brother lived with me for a little while. We were planning on having steak for dinner so I had the meat on the counter unthawing. When I got home I had this feeling of "something being amiss". Realized there had been 2 steaks on the counter when I went to work, now there was only one; the big one was missing. Sure enough, chewed up plastic bag on the couch, no steak. Kendrick gets home and I told him, "Beau has something to tell you..." and I pointed at where his steak used to be. Kendrick had just watched life with Eddie Murphy, so he made his best black voice and said, "Maybe I outta eat YO beefsteak..." Beau looked at him like, "What?". It was funny.
#4. I was having dinner guest over for fajitas and I'd bought whole wheat tortillas. I come home, get that feeling of something being amiss...where are the tortillas? Sure enough, in the living room, in front of the TV is the pile of tortillas, neatly unwrapped laying on the floor. They may have even been salvagable if not for the big bite that went thru the entire pile. Just one big bite, nothing more. I didn't even say anything to him, just turned around, picked up my keys and headed to the store to buy more before my guests started arriving. THAT'S how much I loved that dog. :-)
#3. I am one of the freaks of nature who owns a bread machine and actually uses it. I'd just made a new loaf and it was on the counter. I come home after work, "Where's my bread?" No evidence remained except for the completely spotless bread beater that had been baked into the bottom of the loaf...the rest was gone. Oh, and where was the beater? In front of the TV of course.
#2. I had friends over for a barbeque and Tina had made her homemade clam dip. We went outside to play catch for awhile. We come back in and in the clam dip bowl is nothing but a pile of clams in the bottom of the bowl, completely licked clean. Apparently he liked cream cheese and sour cream but didn't like clams. For a moment picture if you will a dog eating dip but pausing to spit out each and every little clam as he's doing it...just picture that for a minute. :-)
#1. And Beau's #1 all time snack weaz? Thanksgiving Day. I'd made a pumpkin pie and had set it on the table at my Mom's house. I left the room for a minute and when I came back in the pie is still there but there is no crust on it anymore...the entire outside crust had been nibbled off all the way around. Picture if you will a dog using his front teeth to gnaw off the edge of a crust while trying not to get any pumpkin in his mouth. I looked at him, looked at the pie and I decided, the hell with it....I took the pie upstairs anyway. Mom goes, "What the HELL happened to the pie???"
I merely said, "I don't know..." and I went in the other room to watch TV.
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